Britain's Got Talent Shows and That's Not Good

Here I am again. Hiding in my home office while the girls get their Reality TV fix. This time they're looking for the last choir standing, but in the past they've sat through the casting for whole West End dance musicals on ice. Or something like that. What next ?

I have some suggestions :-

* A nationwide talent-search for a small dog to star in the new Bond film ? ("Dachshund With the Stars")

* Search for a female British plumber to compete in the Plumbing Olympiad in Warsaw ("How Do You Solve A Plumber Like Maria"?)

I shouldn't complain - the football season began today, and it can't be a bundle of laughs living with a football fan. Especially not a Bolton fan. Except today when they sit top of the Premier League (had to mention that).

But really, I wouldn't mind the occasional singing/dancing contest. As long as it were over in 90 minutes like a football game. But instead there's an tediously slow elimination process involving some combination of premium-rate lines and judges who do sub-Forsythe puns. And then the results programme. And behind-the-scenes footage on BBC3. And Claudia Winkelman usually, which is never a good thing.

Ok - I think it's time to come out, be a man, reclaim the TV and watch "Match of the Day" while scratching myself.

Grunt.