I have some suggestions :-
* A nationwide talent-search for a small dog to star in the new Bond film ? ("Dachshund With the Stars")
* Search for a female British plumber to compete in the Plumbing Olympiad in Warsaw ("How Do You Solve A Plumber Like Maria"?)
I shouldn't complain - the football season began today, and it can't be a bundle of laughs living with a football fan. Especially not a Bolton fan. Except today when they sit top of the Premier League (had to mention that).
But really, I wouldn't mind the occasional singing/dancing contest. As long as it were over in 90 minutes like a football game. But instead there's an tediously slow elimination process involving some combination of premium-rate lines and judges who do sub-Forsythe puns. And then the results programme. And behind-the-scenes footage on BBC3. And Claudia Winkelman usually, which is never a good thing.
Ok - I think it's time to come out, be a man, reclaim the TV and watch "Match of the Day" while scratching myself.