Stan's Hands

SCENE 1

(Stan is cross-legged on a bed in a Travelodge no-star room, staring zombie-like at the screen of a battered laptop after a hard day of putting zeros and ones in a pleasing order for his clients. STAN'S LEFT HAND has questions. STAN'S RIGHT HAND is prepared to give some answers. STAN'S BRAIN has temporarily left the building.)

STAN'S LEFT HAND

Stan, why do you blog ? It's tricky, likely to upset people and don't you already spend enough time sitting at a computer ?

STAN'S RIGHT HAND

To begin with it was just about playing with a new technology, which I see as one of the great joys of being alive at this time.

But for most beginner bloggers the first posting is "Woo, isn' t this great ! I'm going to write lots !". The second posting is usually an apology for not posting anything recently and often there is no third posting.

The reason I've persevered is that I've found it useful to look closely at stuff that has provoked any sort of emotional reaction in me. By making the effort to write down the reasons for feeling the way I feel, I'm forced to give it some real thought. Over the years it has taught me a lot about the world but especially it has taught me a lot about me.

Plus I'm transparently egotistical and I do love to write.


STAN'S LEFT HAND

But the Magistrate thing - that's changed everything hasn't it ?

It was fine when you were just an IT consultant with colourful views on female vocalists ("Dido is James Blunt with breasts - Beth Gibbons is a real singer.").

But now you're a public servant.



STAN'S RIGHT HAND

Yes, but I'm also a British citizen with rights. And there's no legal or ethical issue involved unless I divulge privileged information or bring the Magistracy into disrepute. Which I have no intention of doing, because I respect the law and love my new job. Best job I've ever held down, by the way.

I don't see the problem with letting people see that Magistrates have opinions, doubts and erratic taste in music. In fact, I think a lot of the problem with recruiting a spectrum of Magistrates is that not everyone can picture themselves doing the job, can't imagine "fitting in" and can't imagine the personal satisfaction that comes from facing the issues Magistrates face.


STAN'S LEFT HAND

So you're going to continue blogging about being a Magistrate ?


STAN'S RIGHT HAND

It would be a shame not to. Like I say, I blog about stuff that provokes an emotional reaction in me and the 5% of my life that I devote to being a Magistrate is currently accounting for something like 95% of emotional reactions.

STAN'S LEFT HAND

But you're not as good as Bystander.


STAN'S RIGHT HAND

No, I've also noticed that. Most annoying.

He has a well-developed narrative "voice", he's experienced and knowledgeable about his subject and he has accumulated a vast dysfunctional family of commenters.

My only edge is my inexperience and naivety. Once I lose those, I'm in big trouble.

(At this point, STAN'S BRAIN wakes up and spoils everything. It can't think what else to write and decided to shut down for the night. STAN'S HANDS take a well-earned rest.)