Down with the Sandwich of Death !

Fact : Crossing the road is a dangerous activity. Figures show that people who cross roads are statistically more likely to be hit by cars than people who cower a safe distance back from the kerb their entire lives.

Fact : people who breathe lungfuls of air have a higher cancer risk than those who take shallow breaths in an oxygen tent.

Fact : Making children, having fun and meeting people all expose you to risk. Better to shut yourself in your plastic bubble and watch Ant 'n' Dec repeats in the dark.

And heaven help (according to these people) those of us with outrageous rock 'n' roll lifestyles who tackle hard-core extreme risk, like eating bacon.

Yes, bacon. The same nagging tone that scolds people for indulging in promiscuous, unprotected, unbiblical sex with bi-sexual drug-addicts is being used to talk us out of eating yummy, crispy pig-bits.

As a self-confessed Guardian-reader and one-time Vegetarian, I ought to be all in favour. But there are two things you need to know about Stan :-

(a) I hate, loathe and detest people telling me how to live my life

(b) I blooming love bacon.

The question I have is this : "What's next after bacon ?" If we give in and switch to organic tofu rolls, what will they go after next ? Cuddling ? Smiling ?

Fact : "the highest known risk factor in relation to breast cancer is age, with 80 per cent of cases occurring in women over the age of 50." Don't get old, ladies. It's bad for you ...

Fact : One day I am going to die of something. This will come after a very full life, crammed with joy, risk and discovery.

If I could have a choice, I would like to go as a direct result of exhaustion arising from my beating the living carp out some whining, passive-aggressive, flaccid, milksop control-freak who tried to spoil my joy. Hopefully, this will happen when I am 150 years old. With a freshly-eaten bacon butty (white bread, red sauce) in my tummy.