Land of Heroes and Poo-Throwing Monkeys

Were I ever to be in a situation where a grenade was about to go off nearby, I suspect I would in rapid order :-

a) Start crying, and
b) Soil myself

The last thing I would do is

c) Cooly throw myself on the grenade to protect my mates

Hats off to Lance Corporal Matthew Croucher of the Royal Marines who did exactly that and lived to tell the tale. His backpack ended up in orbit, but he somehow escaped to tell the tale and to pick up some bling from the queen today.

A man of his rank makes about £60 per day, and I'm guessing days like he's been through seem actually pretty blooming long.

I can't help but compare and contrast with Wrongathan Ross and Woeful Brand who (get/got/will almost certainly get in future) considerably more ... for doing what exactly ?

Monkeys throwing their own excrement around would seem nuanced by comparison.

And I certainly know who I'd rather have as a mate.

Lost

There was a report today that the credit crunch has resulted in a loss to the world economy of over a trillion pounds.

Now that doesnt worry me so much for 3 reasons.

Firstly, at the current exchange rate this represents about three US dollars.

Secondly, it's probably going to turn up when they look down the side of the sofa.

And thirdly, it's not really lost - all you can say is that today's inaccurate guess at the value of the world economy is less than yesterday's inaccurate guess.

Don't lose sleep - and vote Stan.

Poem in October

Driving to work early in the morning ... er ... sucks. It's nowhere near as much fun as heading home in the dark, because in the morning you're miles from home, tired and with a full day's work to put in.

I dulled the boredom by listening to four hours of news - Radio 5 from 05:00 to 06:00 and then "Today" on Radio 4 until 09:00. Fortunately for my mental health, in among the gloomy financial news items and John Blooming Prestcott, there was an article on one of my all-time favourite poets, Dylan Thomas.

The house where he was born, grew and wrote a great deal of his best work has been lovingly restored it to its 1914 condition and opened as a guest house. If you feel like using Dylan's toilet and sleeping in his bed, you can now stay the night at Number 5 Cwmdonkin Drive, Swansea.

But why do that ?! For one thing, not all his best work was produced there. Take "Prologue" , his very last poem. Masterful use of language and it rhymes from the middle outwards, which makes for a very unconventional feel. Written while riddled with pneumonia/emphysema, off his head on alcohol/morphine at the Hotel Chelsea in New York. Surely nobody is going to think it's a good idea to recreate that experience ...

Walking in the physical steps of an artist is a total nonsense. The house is just an old house and the toilet will just be an old toilet.

Also, Thomas, though one of this planet's great writers, didn't come close to making the grade as a human-being. He wasted his talent and heaped misery on all who loved him. His work is definitely worthy of study, but his life ?!.

My advice is to save the money you'd spend on staying in the guest house, and instead buy a copy of "Dylan Thomas Selected Poems, 1934-1952". If you already own a copy, buy another and leave it in your local pub.

We might get lucky and the words of a Poet who became a Drunk could inspire a Drunk to become a Poet.

Spending too long on Question 1

I'm working through my Magistrate homework this morning. There's a workbook with nine sections I need to have completed before the formal training next month.

And I'm thinking way too much about Question 1 :-

"You have been appointed as a magistrate because you possess the six key qualities sought in a Justice of the Peace. In this box, take a moment to refresh your memory by listing the six key qualities."

The answers are in the book, so I could just have copied them and moved on. Instead in my mind I'm imagining a Cosmo-style questionaire : "So You Think You Could Be A Magistrate ?" with a multiple-choice quiz and points to add up and a write-up on what your score means.

The six qualities are as follows :-

• Good character
• Understanding & communication
• Social awareness
• Maturity & sound temperament
• Sound judgement
• Commitment & reliability

I'm not at all convinced that anyone really measures up to that list, although I'm definitely going to be including them in my CV because they do look rather impressive while being all but impossible to prove.

Take Jesus, for example - full marks for points 1,2, 3 and especially 6 but there was that unfortunate incident with the money lenders in the temple and choosing Judas as a disciple definitely didn't demonstrate sound judgement.

"Social Awareness" is definitely an area that worries me. My upbringing was loving, I did well at school, I went to a nice University and ended up funding a comfortable suburban lifestyle. Can I really think myself into the shoes of someone born into poverty and abuse and addiction that led on to a life of petty criminality ? And to what extent does it matter if I can't ? How can a Magistrate possibly be both (a) representative of their community of imperfect people whilst (b) being a paragon of virtue themselves ?

Anyway, all this thinking was hurting my head, and I had move it along or else I'd never get anything done, so I decided to give myself marks out of 10 for each of the 6 categories based on gut feel and instinct. I ended up with 46 out of 60, which allowing for modesty, arrogance and imperfect self-knowledge feels about right.

How well did you do ?

Less than 40 points - Put your hands in the air, or we'll shoot!
40 to 50 points - You show some human qualities and many human failings. You might just make the grade.
Over 50 - Forget the magistracy; go straight to sainthood, Reverend Mother.

Now for question 2 ... this could take some time ...

An Ode to Driving

Update : Sunday night

I got some well-deserved earache from my sister-in-law via email.

________________________________
> From: Mrs-sergeant-major-stan
> To: Stan
> Subject: Radiofreeblog
> Date: Sun, 26 Oct 2008 16:58:28 +0000
> 
> Stan,
> 
> Got to ask what is wrong with a ford focus diesel, as being married to your little bruv that's what I've got????!!!!!
> 
> 
> Me

I was just looking around for something that was as little like a Dodge Viper as possible and well-known. I nearly went with an Astra Diesel, but that's what the UK police drive, and I'm not going to upset them.

The Focus is a great car and when my Big Stupid Spanish Diesel packs in, a Titanium X is definitely on my shortlist. But tell me with a straight face that it could light up a movie like a Dodge Viper or Ford Mustang ..

One of the pleasures of working away from home in the winter is the long drive home in the dark.

Yes, that right - I said "pleasures".

There's something about a long drive at night. Obviously the UK isn't the ideal place for driving, which is why all the best Road Movies are set in the USA.

• UK Road movie : Ford Focus diesel up the M6 from Rugby to Carlisle

• US Road movie : Dodge Viper along the Historic Route 66 from Chicago to LA.

I really can't imagine a great film being made that includes a toilet stop and a Ginsters "Mexican-Style" Chicken Pasty at Knutsford Services.

Even so, I do tend to enjoy myself. For one thing there's the music. A long drive in the dark is one of those rare occasions when you can crank up the music and really listen, rather than just having it on in the background.

I listened to "Every Day Hurts" by Skunk Anansie about a dozen consecutive times. Mrs. Stan has a degree in music, so when some piece gets to me I usually run and get her to break it down for me : why is this so marvellous ? Usually she smiles and tells me that it's always the same sort of music that gets me :-

• Syncopation : the stress is on the off-beat : one TWO three FOUR
• Tension between the rhythmn instruments and the solo creating a "surge" in tempo
• Bass - and lots of it

"Every Day Hurts" is no exception. It also has a singer that makes you feel like she means it, like she lives it. An amazing drummer too - Mark Richardson, who now plays with Feeder.

Thanks to traffic delays, I also had chance to reacquaint myself in some detail with "Shine on You Crazy Diamond" by Pink Floyd and "Salvador" by Jamie T. I fear that these may turn out to be musically isomorphic to "Every Day Hurts", but I don't care - great tracks in their own way.

I also enjoy overtaking trucks at night - I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe because it gives the illusion of speed. Also each one's different and it's going to strange places with cargo hidden from sight. There is something awesome about 40 tonnes travelling at 60 mph mere inches from your window.

I do like the service stations too - which I associate only with pleasure. Bladders are relieved, aching limbs stretched, children eat sweets. Wonderful places and greatly underrated.

But the best bit is arriving at my destination.