Viva el coche diesel grande y estupido !

The title refers to my big stupid Spanish diesel car which is about to pass 100,000 miles on the mileometer.

We obviously don't have enough children or pets, because we are set to celebrate this milestone with a themed food party. So far on the menu we have Rocky Road and Cava (car-va : geddit ??). Any other suggestions gratefully received.

VW Audi Group positioned the Toledo as being a rally car to rival the Subaru Imprezza or the Mitsubishi Evo.

In Their Dreams ...

It was obvious even to car dunce like me that it was actually a No-Logo rip-off of the Audi A4 with tackier trim, for way less money and no amount of marketing could change that. More recently Seat have panicked and relaunched the Toledo as a mad MPV that really doesn't know what it is. I guess the VAG Group thought one "Big Stupid Cheap Diesel" (the Skoda Octavia) was enough.

I don't care much for labels although I'm sure Audi drivers don't have to improvise velcro strips to keep the glovebox shut and their cars probably flood through the door seals slightly less often.


***

In other news, nothing really has enough detail at the moment for me to turn into a full blog posting - "Scrappy Days", as Beckett might have put it. One of the following may come back at a later date :-

• Steve Moffat's Doctor Who script "Silence in the Library" = Wow ! Scary, intelligent, funny, atmospheric. Proves that Doctor Who isn't just for the kids. A massive improvement on the Giant Wasp Nearly Ate Agatha Christie episode that preceded it.
  
• A newly-discovered Vonnegut piece about the Dresden bombing in the Sunday Times
• We bought a bread machine and are OD'ing on carbs
  
• I'm brushing up my C++
  

I could whine about how little I'm enjoying Work at the moment but I don't think anyone would enjoy that very much.

Quick, finish with a joke :-

A mugger pulls his gun and sticks it in a man's back and says, "Give me your money!"

The man turns and would you believe it, it's Gordon Brown, who growls : "You cannot do this, I'm the Prime Minister!"

The thief thinks for a moment ... "In that case, give me my money!"

Where Reality Lies ... And Keeps on Lying

Enough teasing, here's the "Mad Men" review.

I watched the last episode of what I hope is the first of many series of "Mad Men" last night. It's one of those immersive experiences where it feels like you're coming out of a deep sleep when the credits roll. Think "Lost". Think "Deadwood". Think "The West Wing". Think "The Sopranos". My Sunday evenings won't be quite the same again.

The atmosphere of 1960 New York is immaculately done in outrageous multi-layers of reality, down to nicotine-stained fingers and vintage nightwear. Ignore the joyless pedants who point out that the typewriters featured are more 1980 than 1960.

The characters are complex and unlovable, the dialogue is as sharp as the suits and the plot is revealed at a leisurely pace and doesn't get in the way of superb character development.

A major feature is poking fun at the sexism, racism and basic nastiness of the period, but rather than feeling smug, you realise that it's not aliens being depicted here. These people are very much "us"; we are just as guilty but we're a lot more subtle about it these days. Do you think anyone writing in 2056 would be nice about the way we live today ?

Jon Hamm acts his socks off as Don Draper, the complex, cynical Artistic Director of the agency ("What you call love was invented by guys like me to sell nylons")

The supporting cast is none too shabby and includes some excellent female roles :-

• Elisabeth Moss who has matured as an actress considerably since her toe-curlingly rotten portrayal of Zoey Bartlett in "The West Wing".
  
• The office Femme Fatale and Queen Bee, Joan (played by the jaw-droppingly beautiful Christina Hendricks)
• Don Draper's childlike ex-model wife Betty (played by January Jones - what a name!)
• (my favourite character) Rachel Menken - Draper's mistress (played by Maggie Siff) - a clever, witty, strong client of Draper's agency. Their relationship is complex and based on more than just lust. She's very much a match for him.
  

The other males tend to be of the jovial empty-suit variety, apart from the weaselish Pete Campbell (played by Vincent Kartheiser) who you would just love to bash with a spade.

Even the theme tune is amazing - "A Beautiful Mine" by RJD2 - you can listen on YouTube.

DVD out on 30th June - buy it !

Farmer Stan

An unexpected lay-off at work has meant that I've been in the unfamiliar environment of my own back garden. I am not a keen gardener, the whole subject bores me and at my age it's unlikely I'll ever reach even a basic level of knowledge.

Stan : "What shall I do with these ... er .. yellow guys ?"

Mrs. Stan (patiently) : "Buttercups"

Stan : "Right..."

My gardening experience tends to be somewhat unsubtle. My favourite tools are

(i) a crowbar - useful for dismembering old garden furniture and lifting paving slabs in a cathartic violent kind of way

(ii) a strimmer, as in the following example :-

Stan stands with a strimmer poised over a clump of something green in a flower bed.

Stan : "Weed or Flower ?"

Mrs. Stan : "Weed"

<Sound of Something Green being strimmed back to Ground Zero>

Strimmer moves on twelve inches.

Stan : "Weed or Flower ?"

Mrs. Stan : "Flower"

<Sound of a Flower being strimmed back to Ground Zero>

Stan : "Whoopsies!"

The penny has dropped recently however that gardening is not all poncy bushes with Latin names (I always thought Labia Majoris was something you'd see on "Gardeners' World").

No, the point I was missing was that you can eat some of this stuff ! Yummy potatoes and carrots for almost no money; no packaging, no V.A.T. The Research Labs at Stan Inc. are working through the night on ways to grow bacon, cheese and beer, but until those breakthroughs happen, I'm more than happy to settle for some root veg.


*****

Only one episode of "Mad Men" left - about time I did that review ...

Can you class your iPod as a dependent for tax purposes?

Kenny here. Stan left the door a little ajar and I've been toying with breaking in for a while.

In keeping with the musical vibe that Stan has echoing around in a Portishead-esque manner, I thought I'd drop in and embarrass myself. I made the absolutely fatal mistake of buying an iPod Touch about 6 weeks ago and it is not an exaggeration to say that it really has changed the way I deal with music. Rather than having to remember what it was that I heard a few bars of and then spending hours in record stores, I just bob onto iTunes and voila, I can pick and choose.

The amount of money I have spent on digital music since the iPod acquisition far outstrips the amount I have spent over the previous two years. If record companies fear the digital age, they could do worse to secure their futures than to make sure that every 14 year-old in the world has an iPod for free. Seriously, that would be "job done". Sales of online music would go through the roof. The kids get to pick their music and carry it around, there are ways of getting around the DRM so they can swap tracks (much like we used to tape albums) and music industry margins will soar to preposterous percentages. Everyone wins. Except the parents, but they never did anyway.

The real power of iTunes, when unleashed on a thirty-something geek, is that as well as sitting in really boring technical meetings and downloading cheesy "those were the days" CDs or individual tracks (to alleviate the ennui), they can pretend that they're hip by having a quick preview of the latest [insert famous person here] CD.

For example, I've downloaded Lou Reed while discussing MySQL clusters. I kid ye not. I've pulled down random tracks that I like by forgotten one-hit wonders such as Lisa Loeb, Edie Brickell, etc. while designing networks. On the other side, I've been pulling down videos (that I would never have got my hands on in the UK) by Fiona Apple, Barenaked Ladies, etc.. The other evening I was surfing the music channels -- I had heard of Shakira in passing but had no idea whether I liked her or not. From the TV video I thought I might (strange as most her catalogue appears to be happy little dance numbers and I'm more prone to psychotic pianists). I downloaded the whole video and then test-drove a few other tracks. I now have the whole CD. This evening, I've done pretty much the same thing with Gabriella Cilmi.

Two months ago both Shakira and Gabriella Cilmi would have long have escaped my mind by the time I found myself in a record shop. And if I had remembered, chances are I'd have weighed up the one track I had heard and passed because I couldn't guarantee I would like the rest.

I insist that all Stan's disciples and constituents (remember, vote Stan) equip themselves with an iPod Touch. Not only will your music habits change forever, but come the revolution you'll be able to download Stan's coded podcasts giving you instructions on which public figure to assassinate next.

--

I had meant to review Gabriella Cilmi, rave about Shakira's dancing and predictably reinforce the rumour that I'm absolutely in love with Fiona Apple's voice. Maybe if Stan ever gets around to the "Mad Men" post, I'll oblige.

Difficult Third Album

If you listen to Portishead's latest album "Third" enough times it stops being annoying and starts haunting your dreams and taking up residence in your head. "8" was the number of repetitions I needed. I really, really didn't like it first time through.

Portishead produced what I believe is a perfect album, "Dummy", in 1994. It sold in the millions, was hugely influential and won a Mercury Prize. The tracks from this album are everywhere even today - you will know the songs even if you never bought the album. As an example, the trailers for the Radio 4 afternoon play this week used the gorgeous, bittersweet "Roads".

So, not bad for a first album. Where do you go from there ?

Well, you keep the magical voice of Beth Gibbbons and you keep and intensify the eclectic sonic experimentation.

If I were to write my own track in their new style, I'd need :-

* A peacock
* A 1980s computer game
* A sample of a New Order bass figure
* A String Quartet playing slow arpeggios with lots of diminished and augmented fifths and cadences that never resolve.

Then I'd need a sadistic Sound Engineer to mix in chalk-on-blackboard and crying babies noises.

It's never less than interesting and is often quite brilliant, but I really don't see it as an achievement on the scale of their first album. Maybe I just need to listen to it another eight times.

Warning : It is also VERY bleak and dark, so if you're working 12 hour days on a difficult thankless project that you really can't see the end of, you should have plenty of perky music by the Scissor Sisters and E.L.O on stand-by. Although there is pleasure to be had in listening to melancholy music when you're down - Mahler would never have made a living otherwise.

Check out Bill Bailey's pastiche version of "Zippedy Doo Dah" in the style of Portishead and tell me whether he's a fan or a critic.

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Yeah, yeah, I really need to get round to this "Mad Men" review I keep promising.