Jeremiad

1. And it came to pass that on his day day of rest, his mate Flit phoned Stan and asked what he thought about the Credit Crunch that had brought low the mighty Bear Stearns and the less mighty and always slightly-dodgy Northern Rock.

2. For Flit, despite being abundantly wise in the Arts and Sciences, had not a Scooby about the ways of Mammon. A bit of a blooming liability on Sports Trivia too, but we'll let that pass.

3. Stan told her to wait a while, put on a flowing robe, grabbed a wooden staff, grew a long beard and went up into hills, from where he addressed her (and anyone else within earshot) during an electrical storm from high atop the mountain.

4. Vanity ! All is vanity ! A wave is coming that will sweep all before it and not even the worthy will escape unscathed. As the mighty Scottish prophet, Private Frazer said "We're all doooooo-med. Doomed I tell you."

5. For the world we live in is held together by money and for the last fifteen years or so the greatest pyramid scheme ever has held sway.

6. Debt has been bought and sold, sliced and diced, rebranded and exported to the point where no-one knows who will end up holding the baby when a credit card debt or a mortgage goes into default.

7. Imagine sub-prime debt as contaminated meat that has been sent forth into the world to all the pie makers in the world. Some pie-makers use only the cheapest nastiest meat available and they are going to fold almost immediately in a sea of vomit and legal action.

8. But even the fancy pie makers will get hurt. For there is no way to reassure the public that there is no bad meat in their pies.

9. Just like the fancy pie makers, so the ordinary boring banks who didn't get involved too much in Commoditised Debt Obligations will be dragged onto the rocks by the coming storm.

10. And when banks are weak, there is no lending. And without lending, many companies will fall. And most companies are leveraged to the hilt, for if they were not, then the Private Equity companies would Dawn Raid them and make sure they blooming well were.

11. And when companies cannot borrow they tend to shrink and so fewer people are in work and more people can't pay their mortgages. And so it goes forth, begetting misery unto the fourth generation.

12. Flit was sore afraid by this and asked whether she would be affected because she worked for the government. And Stan held up his wooden staff to the storm and shouted "When the economy suffers, government revenues fall. And when even governments find it hard to borrow they need to slash costs. And when a government has a choice between Health and Entertainment, they are likely to choose Health no matter whether you think they have committed funds to your organisation for the next five years or so."

13. And before Stan took himself off to dry out his gown and rest his voice and eat chocolate cake, he conjured up the nightmare scenario.

14. "Imagine one of the really big banks getting into trouble - one that's so big that bailing it out would bankrupt a country. It's been a while since we've been up-close to a bankrupt country. Starving people, extreme politics, militarism. Think pre-war Germany, think Zimbabwe. And now you've got a whole set of domino effects to consider.

15. And that's not the worst of it. Imagine one of the biggest banks falling - some of these banks, if they were countries would be part of the G8. Not even Stan has the wit to predict what would happen if one of those bad boys were to go down.

16. But that's more a historian like Flit's territory than that of an enthusiastic amateur Financial Doomsayer. In much wisdom is much grief: and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow. Thank goodness for chocolate cake.

Oaf

I was going to blog at length on Lord Goldsmith’s report that pupils should take an Oath of Allegiance when they leave school. Fortunately Mark Steel did it much better than I ever could in today’s Independent. Read his bit and you can catch up me further down the page…

… no, not here – keep going down …

…. even further down ….

… here it is …

Samuel Johnson said “Patriotism is the Last Refuge of a Scoundrel”. It’s certainly where politicians turn when they need a distraction and don’t have enough money to give tax cuts.

How is it that someone as clever Lord Goldsmith could think that forcing kids to chant empty words in unison can cure the problems we have in our society? It’s magical thinking : “Izzy Wizzy – Let’s Get Busy ! Kazaam ! Abracadabra !” Problem solved.

And as a fetish object that we should pledge ourselves to, the Queen is far from ideal. The conduct of the House of Windsor has been less than worship-worthy over the years and there’s every likelihood that some of her successors will be even less suitable.

Plus, if you happen not to be a member of the Church of England, your allegiance is likely to be at best shared between the Queen and the leader of your church.

Personally, none of my activities have ever been remotely against the interests of my country and I can’t think that’s likely to change in future. Even if I were considering “Arson in the Queen’s Dockyards” or something equally treasonous, I doubt that an Oath of Allegiance would alter my decision.

The only reason I can think of for greater Patriotism is that it might improve our ability to cope in the event of War. Unfortunately greater Patriotism seems to make Wars more likely, so let’s not take the risk.

Many people are doing many things to help society, the environment and their country. I think the government should encourage people to DO something and to worry less about forcing people to SAY something.

Vote Stan.

Luther on the Loo Fer Ages

At first glance I don't have a lot in common with a German Monk from half a millennium ago.

But when Martin Luther nailed his 95 Theses to the front door of the Schlosskirche in Wittenburg, surely in addition to inventing Protestantism, he was also blogging. I know the technology is somewhat different now, but the intention was similar - to say what he wanted to say in the way he wanted to say it without any filtering or censorship or delay.

Also his style of writing in the Theses is very Bloggish - it's not scholarly, dry stuff - it's as opinionated as all get-out.

He was an absolutely fascinating man who not only told his truth to Power, but also had six kids with a nun that he smuggled out of a convent in a herring barrel. He was unfortunately also one of history's worst anti-Semites with unfashionable opinions on feminism and science not even held within the BNP today (and certainly not condoned by me):-

Exhibit 1 : "The word and works of God is quite clear, that women were made either to be wives or prostitutes."

Exhibit 2 : "If I had to baptise a Jew, I would take him to the bridge of the Elbe, hang a stone around his neck and push him over with the words 'I baptise thee in the name of Abraham'."

Exhibit 3 : Idiots, the lame, the blind, the dumb, are men in whom the devils have established themselves: and all the physicians who heal these infirmities, as though they proceeded from natural causes, are ignorant blockheads.

Archaeologists think they may have found his toilet recently. Anyone offended by the quotations above would probably be comforted to know that he didn't have a pain-free bowel movement for much of his life and spent so much time with constipation that it's very likely that many of his ideas came to him while straining on the lavvy.

The reason I mention Luther is that his ideas on Church Reform are still having repercussions fifteen generations later - the latest twist being that he's likely to be rehabilitated by the current Pope who accepts that he didn't mean to bring stuff crashing down, but only wanted to raise issues.

The Catholic Church should be congratulated - they have also recently pardoned Galileo Galilei (died 1642), so it seems they are well on their way to dragging themselves into the 17th century.

The Mighty Quin(ine)

Men fall into two groups where seeking medical help is concerned.

The first group are convinced that every cough, sprain, strain, lump or bump is evidence of a combination of Lou Gehrig’s syndrome, Ebola virus and BSE. These people will book doctor’s appointments in advance for every Monday afternoon, and ring up and cancel in the unlikely event they feel OK on a particular Monday morning.

The second group, if they were hit in the head with an axe actually outside the medical centre, still wouldn’t seek help. They’d walk home and have an aspirin and a bit of a lie down (with the axe still firmly embedded in their skull).

I was certainly a fully paid-up member of the second group, but while I was ‘resting’ between jobs I haven’t been able to use work as an excuse for not getting seen to.

My issue has been night cramps. Most evenings, my calves would tend to tighten up and go into spasm. Which meant I had to beg my family to pummel my legs until the tension let go. Which they both found really quite amusing.

I’ve suffered with this for years, but it’s one of those things that you just get used to. Five minutes with the doctor and she had me down for blood tests and gave me something that’s stopped the pain.

Quinine, of all things. It cures malaria, but it has a side-effect is that it stop shivers, shakes and spasms. Actually, it more likely to be the other way round. It’s an extract from a tree bark (like aspirin) and was discovered by ancient Peruvians that it stopped them shivering when they were on cold hunts.

It’s fairly well known that it’s in Tonic Water, but did you know it was in Irn Bru too? They have less than 0.5% of the concentration that would do you any good though, especially if you put gin in the tonic or vodka in the Irn Bru.

It’s one of those little things that changed history. Would there have been a British Empire without a malaria cure?

Quinine: drug of imperialist oppression.

And blooming good in a cocktail.

Although I’m a little concerned my urine might now glow – quinine fluoresces even without UV light (see pic).

Gavin and Stacey

BBC2 played a blinder last night by showing the first series of "Gavin and Stacey" back-to-back. I missed it the first time around - mainly I guess because it was described as a "Romantic Comedy".

Now, I have nothing at all against either Romance or Comedy - the world needs more of both of these - but when you put the two together you usually end up with the kind of braindead chick-flick mush that infests suburban multiplex cinemas.

This however succeeds where the usual Hugh Grant romcomathon fails for a number of reasons :-

• Likeable characters
• Clever genuinely funny dialogue
• A number of excellent acting performances
• No Hugh Grant

You are warned that there is an almost total absence of plot and that the humour is subtle to the point where some may not even see it, but for me it was an amazing achievement - funny, moving and rude.

There is to be a new series on BBC3 this month and judging by the preview clips online, it's going to be well worth watching.